Writing Samples

Fictional Short Story- "Constantly Expanding"

It’s been about four hours since the tether broke. I knew this was a possibility when I signed up, but no one imagines their death to be a slow drift off into the great expanse of nothingness. Maybe you explode during take off. Or you crash coming back down. Or you recreate the events of Apollo 13, but like, unsuccessfully. At least that’s a valiant way to go, instead of whatever I’m doing right now. 

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I hope the media reaction to my disappearance isn’t too embarrassing. I don’t even want to think about how it’ll impact my family, but I’m hoping for a respectful goodbye from the general public. Obviously I’m going to die out here, which is tragic, so people will mourn me (nice). It seems avoidable, so my poor crewmates are going to have to answer a lot of stupid questions. And maybe they’ll blame it on me. I suspect Jared might, but I hope enough people at work have my back, so they’ll set the record straight.

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I think back to the time I got lost at the zoo. Or at least, the time I was left alone at the zoo. 3rd grade. Field trip. Big day. I was completely enamored with the black bear exhibit, and I assumed my small group was too. My eyes were fixated forward like a racehorse with blinders on- studying the way the bears ate from the zookeepers and played in the man-made river. Then some of my sense returned, and I glanced behind me. There were no 3rd graders to be found. I think back to that horrifying moment, and realize that the exact same thing happened tonight, only now there is no kind, motherly woman nearby who can guide me to the next exhibit. I must slowly drift into the cold, unfeeling stars. 

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I’ve finished crying and screaming, pointlessly flailing about, trying anything to catapult myself back. Every attempt to “swim” in the direction of the ship has failed. Somewhere between sniffles I decided I won’t spend my last moments in discomfort. I’ll just float around a bit. Not that this is much better. Spinning in slow circles, watching my breath fog up my helmet, trying to avoid getting spooked. Why’d they have to design the suits so well? I hate all this thinking I’m doing. I have far too many hours of oxygen left to start getting existential now. 

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I wonder if I had done drugs while I was on Earth that I would be craving them right now. I never saw the appeal, but maybe I have just never gone through something quite like this. Maybe I judged stoners too harshly before. I certainly want a release. I’m still not quite ready to accept the release of death, but I could go for some drugs right now. 

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God, I sound so old. I wonder if Rosa has tried weed yet. I hope not. If she hasn’t, I can’t deny that my disappearance might be the trigger. For a split second, I laugh, because that’s her father’s problem now. But, oh my God, that’s not what I should be taking away from this situation. I send out a small prayer for her. My sweet Rosa. I haven’t even prayed for myself yet, but I probably should. 

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I’ve continuously wrestled with the idea of heaven. Yes, I’m afraid of death, so of course I want it to exist. But also, what’s the worst that could happen? If there’s no afterlife, I’ll still be dead, so I won’t be able to think about how much that sucks. I guess we hope for heaven because of the people we love. When I lost my mother, I spent so many sleepless nights begging God that her soul, her essence, was still out there. I hope heaven exists so that my children don’t have to go through the same thing. 

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It’s definitely much more painful to slowly drift farther and farther away from the only planet with human life on it while contemplating your existence and into the constantly expanding universe around you than it is to die of anything else I can think of. Trust me, I’ve had plenty of time to think of them. If anything, I’d rather come up with an elaborate delusion that I’ll drift into the arms of a welcoming alien tribe than face the truth. I’m going to die. I’m going to die and it’s going to be physically suffocating and mentally lonely. I’m going to die and it’ll be so boring when they talk about it on the news and I will forever be remembered as the woman who went to space and got left at the zoo.